i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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