and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
