I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
