When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
