my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
