i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
