VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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