Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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