Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
