Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
