I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
