Banned from zoo.
Again?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
