haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
