picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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