When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So vagazzling was a success
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
