Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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