I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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