Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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