i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
where are my eyebrows?
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