I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
