guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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