I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
