Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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