I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
