I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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