At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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