He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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