Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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