So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
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Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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