i need an iv and a liver transplant
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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