i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
