I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
