I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
