I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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