a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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