If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
