No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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