btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
