how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
