Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
