she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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