If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
