Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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