if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
