My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
organizing the empties. That sober.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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