we're chasing vodka with high fives
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
