Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
