there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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