my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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