last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
