just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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