There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
