Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
