So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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