So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize